This past weekend, I turned 21! As the last of my friends (when I say last, I mean the next birthdya coming up is someone's 22nd), I have been waiting not so patiently. Now, I am not supporting or demonizing underage drinking, and this was by no means my first time in bars, but there seemed to be something intangibly magical about being 21. I was right. All the pictures I have are in a slideshow at the bottom too. Cheers! :)
Friday 10/03: Pre-Birthday
Arizona has the strictest alcohol laws I have ever experienced, so we cannot under any circumstances go out until midnight. My pregame was scheduled to start at 10PM, so of course I'm ready at 9:00 and end up spending the next hour sitting alone at home and eating chips until it's time to head to G's apartment.
We'd planned to do my pregame at G's apartment because it's less than a five minute walk to Mill Ave, but she's got a lower-floor neighbor who's a bartender so she moved it to his apartment. Great decision because he made me some kind of vodka sour with lemonade and Red Bull and that shit was Zeus's nectar. G's decorated the apartment with streamers and pink table cloths and she got me a crown and sash! We immediately realize that a 10PM pregame is for those who don't have the alcohol tolerance of an Asian toddler and that we should drink more slowly, but also decide that we should finish our drinks quick to get tacos before we hit the bars.
After finishing those drinks we leave and decide to hit Gringo Star Street Bar. Place is packed, they let me in a few minutes before midnight because they're the shit. G buys my first legal margarita and we find our friends plied up standing on this booth getting straight ratched. H's boyfriend is there, A's getting looks, G's dancing on a table, and I'm just over here like "Peasants say "Happy Birthday" to me!" I meet this dude who I think was named Alex, it was his birthday too so we took a picture. At some point G and TSwift and I end up outside smoking and decide to separate from the group to get tacos.
We get to Fuzzy's and I run inside and take a Snap of the thing that says "You can't buy alcohol if you're born after this day" because it finally has my birthday on it. We are drunk messes; I'm so drunk that I didn't realize TSwift has left us, but I'll get back to that. I order a single taco and a Sexy-Rita and sit down at a table with G. These guys next to us turn to say hi and it somehow comes up that one of the guys (Mike P) has celiac disease too. I kind of got a little warm in the face and panties at the thought that I could make out with this guy without worrying if he has gluten in his spit (don't judge me I was drunk and feeling sexy). He gives me his number and tells me they're going to Moonshine, I don't remember but I bet he was hot or I promise you I would never have saved his number. Call me shallow but I'd rather not wake-up in the morning and be horrified at my catch of the night.
It's around now that I realize TSwift isn't with us anymore and that I don't remember him coming into Fuzzy's with us. G informs me he is puking his brains out, and because I'm drunk I immediately start texting him because in my world you can vomit uncontrollably and text at the same time. All of my friends are drunk as fuck and I was good to go. Look at this disaster of a conversation:
We'd planned to do my pregame at G's apartment because it's less than a five minute walk to Mill Ave, but she's got a lower-floor neighbor who's a bartender so she moved it to his apartment. Great decision because he made me some kind of vodka sour with lemonade and Red Bull and that shit was Zeus's nectar. G's decorated the apartment with streamers and pink table cloths and she got me a crown and sash! We immediately realize that a 10PM pregame is for those who don't have the alcohol tolerance of an Asian toddler and that we should drink more slowly, but also decide that we should finish our drinks quick to get tacos before we hit the bars.
After finishing those drinks we leave and decide to hit Gringo Star Street Bar. Place is packed, they let me in a few minutes before midnight because they're the shit. G buys my first legal margarita and we find our friends plied up standing on this booth getting straight ratched. H's boyfriend is there, A's getting looks, G's dancing on a table, and I'm just over here like "Peasants say "Happy Birthday" to me!" I meet this dude who I think was named Alex, it was his birthday too so we took a picture. At some point G and TSwift and I end up outside smoking and decide to separate from the group to get tacos.
We get to Fuzzy's and I run inside and take a Snap of the thing that says "You can't buy alcohol if you're born after this day" because it finally has my birthday on it. We are drunk messes; I'm so drunk that I didn't realize TSwift has left us, but I'll get back to that. I order a single taco and a Sexy-Rita and sit down at a table with G. These guys next to us turn to say hi and it somehow comes up that one of the guys (Mike P) has celiac disease too. I kind of got a little warm in the face and panties at the thought that I could make out with this guy without worrying if he has gluten in his spit (don't judge me I was drunk and feeling sexy). He gives me his number and tells me they're going to Moonshine, I don't remember but I bet he was hot or I promise you I would never have saved his number. Call me shallow but I'd rather not wake-up in the morning and be horrified at my catch of the night.
It's around now that I realize TSwift isn't with us anymore and that I don't remember him coming into Fuzzy's with us. G informs me he is puking his brains out, and because I'm drunk I immediately start texting him because in my world you can vomit uncontrollably and text at the same time. All of my friends are drunk as fuck and I was good to go. Look at this disaster of a conversation:
I thought he said he was gonna cut me, which is why I told him I would fight him in the street. He's thin, but ultimately a 6'2"+ man and would kick my ass without breaking a sweat. We went to Moonshine and while I love country I was tryna shake my ass to some EDM and get dirty in a crowd, so this message happened on our way to El Hefe Tempe. Once we get to Hefe, I get possibly the WORST service I have ever experienced from the most sour faced bartender girl I have ever seen. I fully understand that she is busy as hell on a Friday night, but do not continually make eye contact with me while you continue to serve bitches who didnt even wait to be asked what they wanted. I'm pretty sure the only reason I didn't say something was because I didn't want to have to leap over the bar to grab her by her fake ass ponytail. Physical limitations are a bitch.
I get my margarita and we go hang out outside where there aren't 1700 bros fist pumping, at this point I leave the bar for a second to pick TSwift up off the curb on the corner. He is a fucking mess. We get inside and some boys let me dance on their table so I'm happy again because people are looking at me and I have a gigantic margarita in my hand. I later come to find out that we knew those guys, so it's not an accomplishment that they let me dance on their table.
This is where my memory ends for Friday night. I don't remember leaving Hefe, getting back to G's apartment, calling an Uber, or getting in my bed.
I get my margarita and we go hang out outside where there aren't 1700 bros fist pumping, at this point I leave the bar for a second to pick TSwift up off the curb on the corner. He is a fucking mess. We get inside and some boys let me dance on their table so I'm happy again because people are looking at me and I have a gigantic margarita in my hand. I later come to find out that we knew those guys, so it's not an accomplishment that they let me dance on their table.
This is where my memory ends for Friday night. I don't remember leaving Hefe, getting back to G's apartment, calling an Uber, or getting in my bed.
Saturday 10/04: Actual birthday
I woke up feeling like a stale saltine. I thought I was going to puke and was really confused to see my trashcan already next to my bed when I opened my eyes, because apparently Blackout Taylor is my guardian angel. Blackout Taylor also filled the Brita so I had more than a gallon of water. Once I have drunk a full bottle of water, I check my phone and realize it is SEVEN FUCKING THIRTY in the morning and I got home around 3:30 judging by my Uber receipt. No wonder I felt like shit, I was hovering between drunk and hungover and my body was freaking out.
I go to look for my bag and I cannot find it. I started flipping out and checking every place I could possibly have put it, no dice. I realize I may have to call all the bars I went to last night to see if someone turned it in, and have to sit down for a minute and reevaluate my life choices. I eventually found out if was shoved in G's couch but lets also remember that this means I lost my bag at the very end of the night and didn't even realize it when I left her house and still didn't realize it when I got in the Uber.
I have to clean my apartment by 12 as my mom and sisters are coming to pick me up to go to lunch and it looks like hell and smells weird. Ok my apartment STANK; I had neglected dishes for about a week at that point and the cat box was fragrant. I am trying not to pass out at this point because I am dehydrated and exhausted, but family calls.
We go out to eat at the Cheesecake Factory because they have a really good gluten free menu, and I decide I am gonna order a Ruby Red Sunrise. I ordered it and our waiter didn't even card me! My disappointment was obvious on my face because when he comes back my mom is like, "She's really disappointed that you didn't card her." Thanks mom, I didn't need to look like a loser or anything. We then spent three hours roaming the mall; by the time I got home I almost wasn't going to go back out.
G and I didn't make it out until 11 that night, and the first place I wanted to go to was CASA. Why? 2 things.
We get to CASA and as I walk in the gate I immediately collide with this ginger in a white T. Lo and behold it's R. R was on a nearly 24 hr road trip out to Phoenix, and still had about five hours to go when I had last spoken to him that afternoon. Side note, in the nearly 1 1/2 years we have been together/seeing each other he has taken probably 60+ road trips for business, and I always always always ask him to make sure he tells me when he gets there safely. I literally cannot relax until I know he made it safe, he's fully aware of this, so for me to see him in a bar when he has not told me he made it safely PISSED ME OFF. I was beyond a level of anger that was acceptable for the situation; barely as soon as he said hi I turned my back on him and walked out of the bar not 30 seconds after they let me in. G knows I am about 4.5 milliseconds from turning back and ripping him a new asshole for this, so we go across the street to CASA where I start drinking immediately and quickly. I see R's best friend (who I hate more than anyone else) and he eye fucks me in my BCBG fit, then recognizes me and turns away (R swears he recognized me before that point, but seeing as how this friend and I would kill each other with a smile, I doubt it). This puts me in an even worse mood so I start drinking even quicker, next thing I know we're heading to Cue Club to meet up with some of G's friend John.
We meet up with them outside Cue Club and I decide I'd like to go back to CASA. We get there, R is gone thank god, and I get up to the bar and Josh is there! Side story for a minute:
I met Josh at a party because I recognized him from having gone to CASA with R. Obviously can't be like, "Hey this is weird but when I used to go on lunch dates with my ex I'd see you at work and I always thought you were hot", so I led with "Hey, you work at CASA right?" Blah blah blah it all wraps up with a "Hey I'll see you around" which couldn't happen because at the time I was still 20. Anyway, I get up to the bar and hit him with what I hope is my killer smile and not a drunk grimace. It must have been a good smile because the one he hit me with was amazing and made me kind of forget why I was standing at the bar. I order my bucket and he either asked if it was my birthday or I told him because he made my group these rad looking pink shots. Unfortunately I couldn't drink them because of the vodka he used, but my group says they were delicious. I didn't get to talk to him again though, because I didn't want to be weird and monopolize his time while he's working.
We finish our buckets and head to Rooftop Bar, amazing venue but an older crowd that was well beyond out 21'st birthday shenanigans. After dancing with a room full of people that were 25+, we felt out of place and went to Moonshine so I can ride the mechanical bull.
Let's all remember that I am wearing a skintight $300 BCBG dress that makes me look like a Kardashian but is also not bull-riding friendly. Doesn't matter, I hopped up there with this weird, knees together spin that put me on the bull without flashing my cooch to anyone (as far as I know, I was wearing a nude thong anyway). I rode that motherfucker like a two dollar whore, at least in my mind. Judging by the video, I didn't do that bad but it also wasn't no rodeo.
I go to look for my bag and I cannot find it. I started flipping out and checking every place I could possibly have put it, no dice. I realize I may have to call all the bars I went to last night to see if someone turned it in, and have to sit down for a minute and reevaluate my life choices. I eventually found out if was shoved in G's couch but lets also remember that this means I lost my bag at the very end of the night and didn't even realize it when I left her house and still didn't realize it when I got in the Uber.
I have to clean my apartment by 12 as my mom and sisters are coming to pick me up to go to lunch and it looks like hell and smells weird. Ok my apartment STANK; I had neglected dishes for about a week at that point and the cat box was fragrant. I am trying not to pass out at this point because I am dehydrated and exhausted, but family calls.
We go out to eat at the Cheesecake Factory because they have a really good gluten free menu, and I decide I am gonna order a Ruby Red Sunrise. I ordered it and our waiter didn't even card me! My disappointment was obvious on my face because when he comes back my mom is like, "She's really disappointed that you didn't card her." Thanks mom, I didn't need to look like a loser or anything. We then spent three hours roaming the mall; by the time I got home I almost wasn't going to go back out.
G and I didn't make it out until 11 that night, and the first place I wanted to go to was CASA. Why? 2 things.
- Buckets. CASA has buckets.
- There is a HOT bartender at CASA named Josh.
We get to CASA and as I walk in the gate I immediately collide with this ginger in a white T. Lo and behold it's R. R was on a nearly 24 hr road trip out to Phoenix, and still had about five hours to go when I had last spoken to him that afternoon. Side note, in the nearly 1 1/2 years we have been together/seeing each other he has taken probably 60+ road trips for business, and I always always always ask him to make sure he tells me when he gets there safely. I literally cannot relax until I know he made it safe, he's fully aware of this, so for me to see him in a bar when he has not told me he made it safely PISSED ME OFF. I was beyond a level of anger that was acceptable for the situation; barely as soon as he said hi I turned my back on him and walked out of the bar not 30 seconds after they let me in. G knows I am about 4.5 milliseconds from turning back and ripping him a new asshole for this, so we go across the street to CASA where I start drinking immediately and quickly. I see R's best friend (who I hate more than anyone else) and he eye fucks me in my BCBG fit, then recognizes me and turns away (R swears he recognized me before that point, but seeing as how this friend and I would kill each other with a smile, I doubt it). This puts me in an even worse mood so I start drinking even quicker, next thing I know we're heading to Cue Club to meet up with some of G's friend John.
We meet up with them outside Cue Club and I decide I'd like to go back to CASA. We get there, R is gone thank god, and I get up to the bar and Josh is there! Side story for a minute:
I met Josh at a party because I recognized him from having gone to CASA with R. Obviously can't be like, "Hey this is weird but when I used to go on lunch dates with my ex I'd see you at work and I always thought you were hot", so I led with "Hey, you work at CASA right?" Blah blah blah it all wraps up with a "Hey I'll see you around" which couldn't happen because at the time I was still 20. Anyway, I get up to the bar and hit him with what I hope is my killer smile and not a drunk grimace. It must have been a good smile because the one he hit me with was amazing and made me kind of forget why I was standing at the bar. I order my bucket and he either asked if it was my birthday or I told him because he made my group these rad looking pink shots. Unfortunately I couldn't drink them because of the vodka he used, but my group says they were delicious. I didn't get to talk to him again though, because I didn't want to be weird and monopolize his time while he's working.
We finish our buckets and head to Rooftop Bar, amazing venue but an older crowd that was well beyond out 21'st birthday shenanigans. After dancing with a room full of people that were 25+, we felt out of place and went to Moonshine so I can ride the mechanical bull.
Let's all remember that I am wearing a skintight $300 BCBG dress that makes me look like a Kardashian but is also not bull-riding friendly. Doesn't matter, I hopped up there with this weird, knees together spin that put me on the bull without flashing my cooch to anyone (as far as I know, I was wearing a nude thong anyway). I rode that motherfucker like a two dollar whore, at least in my mind. Judging by the video, I didn't do that bad but it also wasn't no rodeo.
I have been truly drunk since I left Hefe, so I get a little bold. I text R and say "Thanks for telling me you got in safe, you know how much I appreciate it." He understands that I am being a sarcastic cunt for a reason, and responds with, "Well you would have known if you'd checked your Snapchat instead of sending selfies to the other dudes you're talking to." He had apparently snapped me to let me know he was in town about an hour before I saw him at the bar, basically meaning that I was being a bitch for no reason. I apologized and then he said he'd come over that night. He sure did come over and give me a bed-shaking birthday present and cuddles after I was such a bitch to him in public over my own misunderstanding. Aren't birthdays great?
Sunday 10/05: Post Birthday
I wake up and it took me a second to remember why R was in bed with me, because I woke up with a real hangover this time. I drink some water and smoke a bit and gradually I can at least function a bit. Eventually he's gonna leave and one of the weirdest parts of our situation is that we have a really ass-backwards list of activities that are acceptable for two people who clearly love each other but aren't together to do, so when I ask if I'm hanging out with him that day and he says that he'll be running around all day, I immediately respond with "I don't want to go with you anyway" and get back in bed. He then feels guilty as usual and will hang out with me in bed for a little while longer, but the jist of the whole thing is that we are dumb and need to figure out our boundaries and feelings. He leaves and I have to decide whether or not I can survive brunch.
I decide I only get one 21st birthday brunch and that it would be a waste for me not to go out, so I text some of the girls and D and we plan to go to RnR in Old Town for bottomless mimosas. Yeah, the only way to actually get a table at RnR is to show up before 9:30, if not 9 AM. At 11 AM there are no tables and a two-and-a-half hour standing wait. Once we find out there aren't any tables we head back to Tempe to Hefe for Penny Refill Mimosas. Basically the same deal as a bottomless mimosa because there is not an ice cubes chance in hell that I could even drink a dollars worth of refills. I order a mimosa and four breakfast tacos. I do not need four tacos, let alone three, but I was ordering like it was the last supper because fuck it I was drunk already.
I'm so happy to finally be at my first Sunday Funday with D because he and I have been talking about this almost since he started working with me. We've got our mimosas, D's boyfriend is there, my friends are there, we're having a blast! Football is on, we've got chips, and the Miller Lite promo girls gave us free shirts and beers!
One of the dudes who works at Hefe was going around organizing a cornhole tournament. I don't play cornhole, I don't even play beer pong for depth perception reasons, but two of my friends sign up. The guy asks what they want the team name to be, and my girl friend responds with "CUM GUZZLERS" Tell me why the Hefe guy just writes it down and walks off, not even an "are you sure?!" When they were announcing our turn the announcer only said "C-GUZZLERS", which I'm not sure is better because does the c stand for cock or cum?
I turn to look at the door for some reason and at that very second Josh the hot bartender from CASA walks in with a pack of his friends. They. Are. ALL. Hot. Big upper bodies, not to mention they look like they don't skip leg day. I wave at him and smile, legitimately not expecting him to remember me because I'm sure he meets a ton of bitches everyday and also my boobs were put away unlike the night before (lol). He waves back and then comes over to me and gives me a hug. I am so anti personal contact that if someone touches me and I don't ask for it, it can end a friendship, but I let this hug happen because it just felt right. He went back to his table and I kind of watched from behind my cup. One of his friends looked back at me and asked then said something to him, I can't read lips but Josh smiled, looked over too, then said something so I can only hope the friend asked who I was and hot bartender said something good about me.
I have a total of 6 mimosas, and am drunker than I realized. I had originally planned to get a few mimosas, eat, and then go home but I ended up staying for part of the Cardinals game until the screaming was just too much. Plus I got tired, I'm a little bitch when I'm tired. And $34 later I need to stop before I end up even more poor than I always am.
So tired in fact, that I got home from brunch at 3 and slept until 10 pm. My birthday weekend kicked my ass. Tell me, do you remember your 21st birthday?
I decide I only get one 21st birthday brunch and that it would be a waste for me not to go out, so I text some of the girls and D and we plan to go to RnR in Old Town for bottomless mimosas. Yeah, the only way to actually get a table at RnR is to show up before 9:30, if not 9 AM. At 11 AM there are no tables and a two-and-a-half hour standing wait. Once we find out there aren't any tables we head back to Tempe to Hefe for Penny Refill Mimosas. Basically the same deal as a bottomless mimosa because there is not an ice cubes chance in hell that I could even drink a dollars worth of refills. I order a mimosa and four breakfast tacos. I do not need four tacos, let alone three, but I was ordering like it was the last supper because fuck it I was drunk already.
I'm so happy to finally be at my first Sunday Funday with D because he and I have been talking about this almost since he started working with me. We've got our mimosas, D's boyfriend is there, my friends are there, we're having a blast! Football is on, we've got chips, and the Miller Lite promo girls gave us free shirts and beers!
One of the dudes who works at Hefe was going around organizing a cornhole tournament. I don't play cornhole, I don't even play beer pong for depth perception reasons, but two of my friends sign up. The guy asks what they want the team name to be, and my girl friend responds with "CUM GUZZLERS" Tell me why the Hefe guy just writes it down and walks off, not even an "are you sure?!" When they were announcing our turn the announcer only said "C-GUZZLERS", which I'm not sure is better because does the c stand for cock or cum?
I turn to look at the door for some reason and at that very second Josh the hot bartender from CASA walks in with a pack of his friends. They. Are. ALL. Hot. Big upper bodies, not to mention they look like they don't skip leg day. I wave at him and smile, legitimately not expecting him to remember me because I'm sure he meets a ton of bitches everyday and also my boobs were put away unlike the night before (lol). He waves back and then comes over to me and gives me a hug. I am so anti personal contact that if someone touches me and I don't ask for it, it can end a friendship, but I let this hug happen because it just felt right. He went back to his table and I kind of watched from behind my cup. One of his friends looked back at me and asked then said something to him, I can't read lips but Josh smiled, looked over too, then said something so I can only hope the friend asked who I was and hot bartender said something good about me.
I have a total of 6 mimosas, and am drunker than I realized. I had originally planned to get a few mimosas, eat, and then go home but I ended up staying for part of the Cardinals game until the screaming was just too much. Plus I got tired, I'm a little bitch when I'm tired. And $34 later I need to stop before I end up even more poor than I always am.
So tired in fact, that I got home from brunch at 3 and slept until 10 pm. My birthday weekend kicked my ass. Tell me, do you remember your 21st birthday?