If you've never been confused about where to go in life in your 20's, this post is not for you...
About a year ago, I noticed my mind changing. Dating was no longer fun, it was more like an endurance race sponsored by Penises and Alcohol. Babies stopped making me inexplicably angry. I wanted to stay at Zumiez and eventually become a store manager because it was stable and goal-oriented. I felt discouraged and ashamed for not finishing college; what’s worse is I felt like my life was running out of time allotted for college. I took time away from things I loved in order to catch more hours at work and to “be productive”. It may sound like growing up but here’s what it really was- my quarter-life crisis.
You experience your quarter-life crisis around your 20’s (assuming an 80 year lifespan), most commonly in your early 20’s. It starts with crippling uncertainty of the future, followed by frantic plan making and class sign-ups and hobby development, accompanied with pangs of wistful regret when you see teenagers just 3 years younger than you enjoying themselves at the mall with little to no responsibilities. Babies and wedding rings are just around the corner, and you’re either excited or terrified, likely both. You will find yourself looking at the 40+ year old adults in your life and wondering deeply what they were like at your age. You may even notice that you are becoming painfully cynical and you could also experience disillusionment with the world. Let's also not forget the nausea, often accompanied by insomnia and feelings of aggression.
For me, after the uncertainty stage and frantic rushing to try and stop my “failure” came the family urges. I almost broke up with R about 63 times because I worked myself up into thinking he’s not “family material” and “wouldn’t be a present parent” and “would leave me in a marriage alone” and “won’t be the kind of dad who builds treehouses”. I am 150% serious, I wanted to break up with the man who I still think is glorious even when he’s pooping because I had convinced myself he wouldn’t build my theoretical kids a treehouse. This is also the same man who I was unafraid to tell I might be pregnant (long story), because I was just a little stoked we might be a family (ended up being irrelevant but I digress). I changed my major to education because it was a “good job” that had a “strong connection to society” and “gave back”, but that would ultimately make me completely miserable. For the past year and a half I acted like a fucking crazy person who wanted to be treated like an adult but wouldn't sack up and make adult decisions; a wishy-washy, waffling type of person. This does not make a productive member of society.
All of that makes sense. At 21, the law defines me as an adult. Am I actually an adult? Fuck no. Can I buy alcohol and gamble away all my money? Yes. Do I understand taxes, withholding, credit ratings, and how to buy property? NO. Can I have a baby and a husband and a house? Yes, but the thing is I’m not 100% sure what to do with that stuff and probably should not be a parent at this time. The fucked up part about being in your early 20’s is that you’re basically an upgraded teenager- all the young beauty and energy plus a ton more privileges and (for the most part) no parents, but none of the sense and focus that comes with being an actual adult.
The other part that makes you more likely to experience a quarter-life crisis is the fact that around 21, the men get separated from the boys. You find your friends and peers falling into two groups; one is settling down, starting careers and families and the other is too drunk to tell the cabbie where they live and there's a 50% chance of their phones and dignity not making it home with them. When you’re like me, straddling the line between the two groups, you find yourself starting to compare. Because of a 20-year-old's brain development (or lack thereof), we still give a shit how we compare to others. This is another reason why the quarter life crisis is different from the mid-life crisis: your mid-life crisis is all about you and happens whether Bob next door got a new convertible or whether Sally at the gym got a boob job.
The difference between your quarter-life crisis and your mid-life crisis is how you deal with what you do. When my quarter-life crisis hit, I stopped doing a lot of the things that make me happy, and why? Because I felt like they wouldn’t get me anywhere in life. If it was my mid-life crisis, I would probably have stopped being interested in whatever was getting me somewhere in life because I would be running out of time to do the things that make my life rich and full.
Why do we have quarter-life crises? I know it’s not just me, I checked. We have quarter-life crises because the universe wants us to know this is the time to explore. We want and desire and chase all these conflicting things because we grew up hearing about what we’re supposed to do and we’re just now able to do what we want to do and haven’t yet found the happy medium in between. This is the last time in our lives where no one really relies on us yet and pretty soon we won’t have time for all this introspection and no room for the changes that come with it. Our hearts long for a significant other and maybe even offspring to fill the emotional hole that comes from being out on our own for the first time. Our minds panic about money because we grew up in a society where money buys happiness. After a year and a half in quarter-life crisis, I decided not to ignore my urges. So I want a family; I have options and I know that when the time comes, I won't have to question my partner. I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere in my jobs, so I applied for a new one. I was ashamed of not finishing school, so I picked a new major that makes me smile when I think about it. I felt better by taking action, even though I haven’t actually done anything major.
The important thing to remember about your quarter-life crisis is that it’s there to make you think, not panic.
You experience your quarter-life crisis around your 20’s (assuming an 80 year lifespan), most commonly in your early 20’s. It starts with crippling uncertainty of the future, followed by frantic plan making and class sign-ups and hobby development, accompanied with pangs of wistful regret when you see teenagers just 3 years younger than you enjoying themselves at the mall with little to no responsibilities. Babies and wedding rings are just around the corner, and you’re either excited or terrified, likely both. You will find yourself looking at the 40+ year old adults in your life and wondering deeply what they were like at your age. You may even notice that you are becoming painfully cynical and you could also experience disillusionment with the world. Let's also not forget the nausea, often accompanied by insomnia and feelings of aggression.
For me, after the uncertainty stage and frantic rushing to try and stop my “failure” came the family urges. I almost broke up with R about 63 times because I worked myself up into thinking he’s not “family material” and “wouldn’t be a present parent” and “would leave me in a marriage alone” and “won’t be the kind of dad who builds treehouses”. I am 150% serious, I wanted to break up with the man who I still think is glorious even when he’s pooping because I had convinced myself he wouldn’t build my theoretical kids a treehouse. This is also the same man who I was unafraid to tell I might be pregnant (long story), because I was just a little stoked we might be a family (ended up being irrelevant but I digress). I changed my major to education because it was a “good job” that had a “strong connection to society” and “gave back”, but that would ultimately make me completely miserable. For the past year and a half I acted like a fucking crazy person who wanted to be treated like an adult but wouldn't sack up and make adult decisions; a wishy-washy, waffling type of person. This does not make a productive member of society.
All of that makes sense. At 21, the law defines me as an adult. Am I actually an adult? Fuck no. Can I buy alcohol and gamble away all my money? Yes. Do I understand taxes, withholding, credit ratings, and how to buy property? NO. Can I have a baby and a husband and a house? Yes, but the thing is I’m not 100% sure what to do with that stuff and probably should not be a parent at this time. The fucked up part about being in your early 20’s is that you’re basically an upgraded teenager- all the young beauty and energy plus a ton more privileges and (for the most part) no parents, but none of the sense and focus that comes with being an actual adult.
The other part that makes you more likely to experience a quarter-life crisis is the fact that around 21, the men get separated from the boys. You find your friends and peers falling into two groups; one is settling down, starting careers and families and the other is too drunk to tell the cabbie where they live and there's a 50% chance of their phones and dignity not making it home with them. When you’re like me, straddling the line between the two groups, you find yourself starting to compare. Because of a 20-year-old's brain development (or lack thereof), we still give a shit how we compare to others. This is another reason why the quarter life crisis is different from the mid-life crisis: your mid-life crisis is all about you and happens whether Bob next door got a new convertible or whether Sally at the gym got a boob job.
The difference between your quarter-life crisis and your mid-life crisis is how you deal with what you do. When my quarter-life crisis hit, I stopped doing a lot of the things that make me happy, and why? Because I felt like they wouldn’t get me anywhere in life. If it was my mid-life crisis, I would probably have stopped being interested in whatever was getting me somewhere in life because I would be running out of time to do the things that make my life rich and full.
Why do we have quarter-life crises? I know it’s not just me, I checked. We have quarter-life crises because the universe wants us to know this is the time to explore. We want and desire and chase all these conflicting things because we grew up hearing about what we’re supposed to do and we’re just now able to do what we want to do and haven’t yet found the happy medium in between. This is the last time in our lives where no one really relies on us yet and pretty soon we won’t have time for all this introspection and no room for the changes that come with it. Our hearts long for a significant other and maybe even offspring to fill the emotional hole that comes from being out on our own for the first time. Our minds panic about money because we grew up in a society where money buys happiness. After a year and a half in quarter-life crisis, I decided not to ignore my urges. So I want a family; I have options and I know that when the time comes, I won't have to question my partner. I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere in my jobs, so I applied for a new one. I was ashamed of not finishing school, so I picked a new major that makes me smile when I think about it. I felt better by taking action, even though I haven’t actually done anything major.
The important thing to remember about your quarter-life crisis is that it’s there to make you think, not panic.
TL;DR- When you're 20-30 and feel like you're being pulled in all directions, remember this is the time when you're the most free to take the step to make the rest of your life something you're proud of.