The next big upcoming holiday is Thanksgiving- a day that instead of just being grateful for our families and health, we fight each other to the death over markdowns. Now, much of the death of holiday spirit is the cause of our consumerist culture, but with Thanksgiving right around the corner I think we need to get back to the heart of the holidays- gratitude.
As you can see, gratitude is more than just the act or feeling of being thankful. Being grateful and showing gratitude means being genuinely willing to reciprocate the kindness and readily show appreciation for the other person's effort. Giving thanks or saying thank you is an act of gratitude, because gratitude is a state of being.
Over my long, hard 22 years on this earth (I'm kidding), I have observed that there are three cycles of gratitude in our world, each with its own specific application depending on who is involved. The most beautiful thing about each cycle of gratitude is that they are self-perpetuating and the benefits increase each time the cycle is completed and restarted.
Over my long, hard 22 years on this earth (I'm kidding), I have observed that there are three cycles of gratitude in our world, each with its own specific application depending on who is involved. The most beautiful thing about each cycle of gratitude is that they are self-perpetuating and the benefits increase each time the cycle is completed and restarted.
Gratitude Cycle 1- Basic Interpersonal Relationships
This is the most common cycle of gratitude. It is present in all types of non-romantic relationships- from interoffice relations to those you build with friends and family. Cycle 1 is a manifestation of the golden rule; if you treat others how you would like to be treated (with appreciation), they in turn treat you with the same attitude.
The easiest way to understand the importance of any of these gratitude cycles is to start at the beginning and follow the path as though you were being ungrateful. In this case, if you are an ingrate, people don't feel appreciated, don't want to do things for you. They then also have nothing nice to say about you, which leads other people to believe there is nothing kind to say about you, and then they are unwilling to do things for you. The more you behave this way, the smaller your network of positive relationships becomes.
Cycle 1 is important to remember when analyzing your non-verbal cues. It is important to remember that tone and body language can negate what was intended to be a sincere "Thank You". Someone who says "Thank you", but clearly doesn't mean it, is almost more unsavory than someone who completely forgets to say it. People who say things that they don't mean are considered untrustworthy, so it is important to be sure that what you say and how you say it convey the same message.
The easiest way to understand the importance of any of these gratitude cycles is to start at the beginning and follow the path as though you were being ungrateful. In this case, if you are an ingrate, people don't feel appreciated, don't want to do things for you. They then also have nothing nice to say about you, which leads other people to believe there is nothing kind to say about you, and then they are unwilling to do things for you. The more you behave this way, the smaller your network of positive relationships becomes.
Cycle 1 is important to remember when analyzing your non-verbal cues. It is important to remember that tone and body language can negate what was intended to be a sincere "Thank You". Someone who says "Thank you", but clearly doesn't mean it, is almost more unsavory than someone who completely forgets to say it. People who say things that they don't mean are considered untrustworthy, so it is important to be sure that what you say and how you say it convey the same message.
Gratitude Cycle 2- Internal Relationship
One of the most important rules of life is that you cannot pour from an empty cup - you have to take care of yourself before you can effectively take care of others. Aside from sleeping enough and eating right, it's really important to take care of your mind.
The law of attraction states that "like attracts like". The fundamental concept of the law of attraction is that what you put out into the universe is what the universe offers back to you - good or bad. There is no scientific basis for this phenomenon, however as we know science can't explain everything (yet). The energy and feelings you put out are what you get back, because people gauge how to interact with one another based on the energy they are emitting.
When working on Cycle 2 and learning how to show gratitude and appreciation to yourself, it is important to remember the law of attraction. When you focus on the things that you are grateful for, you must also make yourself aware of how you got these things. Chances are, the things you are grateful for have been obtained by blessings. You were blessed to have gotten a job interview- you are then grateful for the job you got. You were blessed to have been born healthy- you are then grateful to be able to go to the gym and stay healthy.
By making yourself aware of the relationship between blessings and things to be grateful for, you keep these things in the forefront of your mind. After a while, keeping conscious of these things is no longer an active effort, and you have created an internal routine of simultaneously analyzing blessings and observing the resulting opportunities. When you are aware of how your blessings affect your opportunities, you both consciously and unconsciously act in a manner that allows you to keep and nourish these blessings.
An example of this would be the job interview example. In the beginning, you acknowledged that you were blessed to have gotten the interview, and then the resulting job afterward. If you keep the blessing of having said job in the forefront of your mind, you make choices that allow you to maintain this blessing. You decide to stay in on Sunday so that you don't tire yourself out and end up being late to work on Monday, or perhaps you decide not to spend money on frivolous stuff so that you can afford to buy a nice suit for your big presentation with the bigwigs. Both of those decisions were made with the focus on maintaining the blessing that is your job.
The law of attraction states that "like attracts like". The fundamental concept of the law of attraction is that what you put out into the universe is what the universe offers back to you - good or bad. There is no scientific basis for this phenomenon, however as we know science can't explain everything (yet). The energy and feelings you put out are what you get back, because people gauge how to interact with one another based on the energy they are emitting.
When working on Cycle 2 and learning how to show gratitude and appreciation to yourself, it is important to remember the law of attraction. When you focus on the things that you are grateful for, you must also make yourself aware of how you got these things. Chances are, the things you are grateful for have been obtained by blessings. You were blessed to have gotten a job interview- you are then grateful for the job you got. You were blessed to have been born healthy- you are then grateful to be able to go to the gym and stay healthy.
By making yourself aware of the relationship between blessings and things to be grateful for, you keep these things in the forefront of your mind. After a while, keeping conscious of these things is no longer an active effort, and you have created an internal routine of simultaneously analyzing blessings and observing the resulting opportunities. When you are aware of how your blessings affect your opportunities, you both consciously and unconsciously act in a manner that allows you to keep and nourish these blessings.
An example of this would be the job interview example. In the beginning, you acknowledged that you were blessed to have gotten the interview, and then the resulting job afterward. If you keep the blessing of having said job in the forefront of your mind, you make choices that allow you to maintain this blessing. You decide to stay in on Sunday so that you don't tire yourself out and end up being late to work on Monday, or perhaps you decide not to spend money on frivolous stuff so that you can afford to buy a nice suit for your big presentation with the bigwigs. Both of those decisions were made with the focus on maintaining the blessing that is your job.
Gratitude Cycle 3- Romantic Relationships
One of the most common reasons people cheat is that their needs, physical or emotional, are not being met in their current relationship. Its also known that fights escalate when people are feeling neglected- next time your person gets mad that you looked at someone else, consider that they may feel that you don't show them the same attention you just gave a stranger. Think about that- the issue wasn't that you looked at another girls tits, its that your girlfriend feels like you don't look at hers the same way. This is the case in many spats and tiffs that escalate and end up ruining relationships.
When you consistently express gratitude to your significant other, a lot of really good things happen. The first is that that little neglect problem I just talked about significantly decreases- your girl can't get mad at you for not looking at her tits that way if YOU DO (bad example, you should like her for more than her boobs). By making them and yourself aware of why you appreciate them, they know they are appreciated and reciprocate it back to you. It also helps with when they've pissed you off and you think, "Why am I even with you?"- if you are constantly reminded of why you genuinely appreciate them, it can help you keep a cool head and not say or do something you regret.
It's also really difficult to cheat when you have consistent expressions of gratitude in your relationship. If you're thinking of cheating on your person, and you remember how they make an effort to appreciate you and affirm their feelings for you, chances are you'll realize you are an asshole for considering cheating on them. It also then becomes impossible to justify cheating if you do go that route- no one on earth will say you are in the right for cheating on someone who surrounds you with expressions of gratitude for your presence in their life.
If your relationship has a routine of gratitude and respect, its easy to focus on the issues at hand. Take for example the fight that often ensues after this little exchange:
When you consistently express gratitude to your significant other, a lot of really good things happen. The first is that that little neglect problem I just talked about significantly decreases- your girl can't get mad at you for not looking at her tits that way if YOU DO (bad example, you should like her for more than her boobs). By making them and yourself aware of why you appreciate them, they know they are appreciated and reciprocate it back to you. It also helps with when they've pissed you off and you think, "Why am I even with you?"- if you are constantly reminded of why you genuinely appreciate them, it can help you keep a cool head and not say or do something you regret.
It's also really difficult to cheat when you have consistent expressions of gratitude in your relationship. If you're thinking of cheating on your person, and you remember how they make an effort to appreciate you and affirm their feelings for you, chances are you'll realize you are an asshole for considering cheating on them. It also then becomes impossible to justify cheating if you do go that route- no one on earth will say you are in the right for cheating on someone who surrounds you with expressions of gratitude for your presence in their life.
If your relationship has a routine of gratitude and respect, its easy to focus on the issues at hand. Take for example the fight that often ensues after this little exchange:
"What/Where do you want to eat babe?"
"I don't care"
"Of course not."
What you see here is the person who asked where they should eat feeling neglected by the noncommittal and disinterested response. Saying "I don't care" isn't incorrect- perhaps you legitimately don't give a shit where you eat. What's wrong with that response is the fact that it implies detachment from the events in your relationship. If you also happen to be really bad at showing gratitude and appreciation in your relationship, you're fucked. What could have been a small,"Okay I know you do care, could you please work with me on picking a meal" all of a sudden becomes, "You never fucking listen to me it's like I don't even matter."
Someone who is consistently reminded that they are loved and appreciated is also more likely to show that affirmation and appreciation to their person. It's kind of like monkey see, monkey do- if your boyfriend tells you, "Baby I really love when you make my coffee in the morning. Thank you", you then have a template for telling him about an equivalent something that you appreciate him doing. And when you respond with, "You're welcome honey, hey by the way thank you for taking the trash out last night", you start the cycle of reciprocating appreciation. Whats important to remember here is that you aren't thanking each other for changing your tire or picking up your friend they don't like from the airport because you forgot. You are thanking each other for the small day to day things that are often taken for granted and are the best parts about having a significant other.
Showing gratitude also promotes emotional growth, both within the relationship and individually. When someone consistently reminds you of the things that make you special, you feel supported and often will feel more comfortable taking risks that you might have shied away from before. If your significant other also affirms and appreciates you, regardless of your flaws and lapses in behavior, you also begin to trust that they will stand by you through a multitude of storms. In turn this makes you more willing to weather the hard times together. When you are conscious of your appreciation for your person, you are also aware of what it takes to respect that person. This makes it a hell of a lot easier to have a strong sense of respect in the relationship, something that can be the difference between the person you once knew and the person you marry for the rest of your life.
Did you also know that showing appreciation to your significant other can actually make them more attractive? Not really- but telling them about the things you like about the way they look can do wonders. You tell your boyfriend he looks great in blue, I'll bet you he starts wearing more blue. You tell your girlfriend you like her hair curly, chances are she's going to wear it curly more often. By acknowledging the things you appreciate about their appearance, you almost remind them to maintain that part. Not to mention confidence is sexy! Any old man on the street could tell me I've got a great ass, but I believe it more coming from the man who chose to wife the girl attached to said ass. So the comments and affirmations you give your significant other matter infinitely more than the same comments coming from outside the relationship- good and bad.
Someone who is consistently reminded that they are loved and appreciated is also more likely to show that affirmation and appreciation to their person. It's kind of like monkey see, monkey do- if your boyfriend tells you, "Baby I really love when you make my coffee in the morning. Thank you", you then have a template for telling him about an equivalent something that you appreciate him doing. And when you respond with, "You're welcome honey, hey by the way thank you for taking the trash out last night", you start the cycle of reciprocating appreciation. Whats important to remember here is that you aren't thanking each other for changing your tire or picking up your friend they don't like from the airport because you forgot. You are thanking each other for the small day to day things that are often taken for granted and are the best parts about having a significant other.
Showing gratitude also promotes emotional growth, both within the relationship and individually. When someone consistently reminds you of the things that make you special, you feel supported and often will feel more comfortable taking risks that you might have shied away from before. If your significant other also affirms and appreciates you, regardless of your flaws and lapses in behavior, you also begin to trust that they will stand by you through a multitude of storms. In turn this makes you more willing to weather the hard times together. When you are conscious of your appreciation for your person, you are also aware of what it takes to respect that person. This makes it a hell of a lot easier to have a strong sense of respect in the relationship, something that can be the difference between the person you once knew and the person you marry for the rest of your life.
Did you also know that showing appreciation to your significant other can actually make them more attractive? Not really- but telling them about the things you like about the way they look can do wonders. You tell your boyfriend he looks great in blue, I'll bet you he starts wearing more blue. You tell your girlfriend you like her hair curly, chances are she's going to wear it curly more often. By acknowledging the things you appreciate about their appearance, you almost remind them to maintain that part. Not to mention confidence is sexy! Any old man on the street could tell me I've got a great ass, but I believe it more coming from the man who chose to wife the girl attached to said ass. So the comments and affirmations you give your significant other matter infinitely more than the same comments coming from outside the relationship- good and bad.